I am an artist, a creator, and a curious woman. I seek knowledge, answers, and I question everything. I am lover of all things that I can bring to life with my own two hands and my enigmatic mind. I live in a time where art is appreciated but not rewarded as it once was. A time where scientific, logical, and otherwise robotic forms of knowledge are the only kinds that have some promise of monetary security. Although, now there is really no promise to anyone in forms of monetary security. I was born in the wrong time. I am an artist and a thinker, but I fear that I will never be able to reach my full potential.
I am afraid of failure, but then again who isn't? I lack so much self confidence that when I look out into the world all I see are those who are better than me and I think to myself that there is no point in trying. I think that the spots for success are already filled and I just didn't make the cut. I stop myself before I even try. I stand in my own damn way and I know it. So I tell myself to knock it off but then I realize how right I am. I KNOW that there are a ton of people who are better at singing, acting, writing, and video editing than me.People who have more unique ideas about religion, politics, or are more knowledgable about philosophy. Then I remind myself that there is always going to be someone better than me, better than anyone. I go back and forth until I give myself whiplash and my mind turns the page. But that record has been on repeat in my mind for years now. It's a song that's permanently stuck in my head.
Then there is the fact that I feel selfish for my passion (at least the acting, singing, broadway part). My method of going about helping people is simply through making them happy. There is nothing that I love more than making people laugh or smile. Just to know that I made their life brighter, even if for a second, fills me with pride. Although with songs, at least ones that I have written myself, it's a way of letting someone else know that they are not alone. If they can relate to the song and just know that someone else has gone through it too, that someone somewhere understands. I have been through my fair share of adversity and although I've fallen a few times, I am proud to say that I truly am happy. I want to help others achieve the same state. For as long as I can remember I have been an entertainer, and I will always be proud of the fact that I'm not afraid to make a fool of myself. Then I look around and there are people with such admirable goals like curing cancer, helping women all over the world, or to end sexism, and I'm over here just wanting to make people happy. It just seems to pale in comparison of importance..What if I could do something more remarkable if I channeled my energy in a different direction?
That is the other problem. I have way too many interests to even know where to start. I am interested in acting, singing, playing guitar, broadway, writing, poetry, cinematography, video editing, LGBT awareness and acceptance, debate, science, astrology, psychology, philosophy, religion, government corruptness/conspiracy theories, alcoholic family issues, dysfunctional childhoods.....the list goes on and on seems to expand every day. How am I supposed to know what to pursue? I wish there was a way I could combine all of them together so I wouldn't have to leave any behind. I am so afraid of picking the wrong passion to develop.
Even though we are fortunate to live in a state where acceptance of LGBT people is at an all time high, and the right to marry has been instilled, many other places are far behind in terms of progression. Places such as Russia are filled with violent acts committed daily towards gay people with no protection what so ever from the government. People are so afraid of things they don't understand or things that seem "abnormal". The concept of religion on regards to same sex marriage is a topic that I would debate to no end. I believe that my logic is solid and I know that I am right when it comes to this. It's very important to me personally. I want to help spread the awareness and watch as the world slowly becomes accepting. I want people of all genders, sexes, races, ages, to be able to walk down the street holding hands with whomever they love and feel safe/comfortable doing so. Everyone deserves that. And then they should be able to walk themselves right down the isle to get married. It's a human right, I am ashamed of humanity when it comes to this aspect. It truly makes me sick that this is still something that requires so much debate.
Even though we are fortunate to live in a state where acceptance of LGBT people is at an all time high, and the right to marry has been instilled, many other places are far behind in terms of progression. Places such as Russia are filled with violent acts committed daily towards gay people with no protection what so ever from the government. People are so afraid of things they don't understand or things that seem "abnormal". The concept of religion on regards to same sex marriage is a topic that I would debate to no end. I believe that my logic is solid and I know that I am right when it comes to this. It's very important to me personally. I want to help spread the awareness and watch as the world slowly becomes accepting. I want people of all genders, sexes, races, ages, to be able to walk down the street holding hands with whomever they love and feel safe/comfortable doing so. Everyone deserves that. And then they should be able to walk themselves right down the isle to get married. It's a human right, I am ashamed of humanity when it comes to this aspect. It truly makes me sick that this is still something that requires so much debate.
I took a philosophy class last semester and the first half was all about religion. I couldn't believe how fascinating it was and I seriously considered studying it. I knew that the discussions in that field would be enlightening, heated, and vert controversial (all things I love). But I was quickly greeted with doubt of how I would make money with that degree and what career would result from that education...
We live in a world where money is more of an issue than ever. Life is so expensive, jobs aren't paying as much, the middle class is shrinking, college tuition is raising, jobs are disappearing, pretty much everything is screwed up and I, along with my fellow generation, are in the middle of it all. If I were to decided what I wanted to do with my life without regards to money fears, my decision would be way simplified. However, I just don't see how that is a realistic option...People say that if you do what you love money will follow but what if they are wrong? What if it never happens? No one wants to stress about whether or not they can afford to eat or keep a roof over their and their families head.. I can't think of a more stressful life. I don't want to be rich or anything (though I wouldn't complain if that happened) I just want to be comfortable and not have to constantly worry about the balance in my bank account.
At the same time I am afraid of what would happen if I were to chose something I was less passionate about in order to secure financial stability..Would I get to be 30 or 40 and think "what if?" I would never know if I could have made a life where my passion was incorporated and where work never really felt like work. I want to make a difference. I want to make people think about things for themselves, question what has been spoon fed to them, I want them to look behind the curtains. I feel as though too many people now are content being ignorant. Well, if ignorance is bliss I guess I'm doomed for misery.
So basically....everything is in my way. I'm in limbo. I want to do it all, and that's my problem. I'm a scattered mess.
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